I wish I remembered what it felt like to be touched for the first time
How smooth my skin felt against his hands
How my moans sounded, alien and new, against my kiss swollen lips.
How it felt to arch within those hands, how i felt between his hips.
What did it feel like to have a hand creep between my thighs, to spread my skin and slowly plunge.
I wonder why with you it feels like it's the first
Why my body shakes and my cheeks flush
why when your fingers touch my skin I jump and lose control
You make me lose control.

And lord knows I need to be the one in control,
I need to be the one making you beg and plead
But instead I'm the one screaming your name, repeating my begs and moans for your pleasure.
"I want you."
You're wanted, how does that feel?
How does it feel to know that you aren't alone, that your outcome matters to the boy you've got pinned to the mattress, that the way you feel in the morning is all he'll worry about
That the name e's  screaming now, yours, will be the one on his lips every night when he's alone in his room.
you're the boy he misses when he's looking in the mirror with a hand down his pants








--------------------------------------------

I am utterly exhausted.
wasted,spent, stuffed.
I am a whole lot of words I can't even think of.
I am a boy who has no idea how to stop smiling, even though the smile is like, a million deaths shooting through my system.
I am the boy who is falling asleep as the sun is getting ready to wake up.
I am that boy because another boy as faulty armor.

And he will never get a welding torch.

Nightnightnight

i feel as though the very core of me is broken. i'm so alone and everything is spinning out of control. i can't eat anything except sea salt, and i can't do anything but gnaw my lip to shreds. i can't solve your problems because i can't even handle mine.
i've never felt so absolutely alone. before i had andy to back me up, to hold me when no one else would.
But here i am with a heart that feels broken a thousand times over and a black eye the size of texas. a dent in my hood from where my head bounced off, and all i can do is cry. no matter what i do, i just sob, i just hold myself tight and sit here, hoping someone will come, someone will care.
i don't know how to handle myself alone.
all i did was go to get holden some milk from fucking costco.
i didn't think it was weird when that guy was in every aisle i was because they were pretty generic aisles.
i didn't think it was weird when he only bought a large bag of potato chips after walking around for half an hour.
I didn't find it weird when he left after me, but then there he was following me to my car and calling me things i don't want to repeat, yelling at me, calling me a fag.
and now my windshield is cracked and i have a fucking black eye and a concussion, and i'm pretty sure a bone of my cheek is chipped.
i feel nothing and i'm feeling too much.
i'm shaking, i'm crying out for someone, for anyone.
but as usual, no one is there to catch me.

i thought today was a good day.
I kissed a boy which was a huge step for me.
i felt nothing, but i kissed an attractive kid.
i had rehearsal and i didn't fuck up.
i sang the beatles far too loudly and cuddled with my kid.
and now here i am, broken and sobbing and i want you.
i want you so bad.



save me from myself.

:] Jasonn Mraz, incase you were wondering or possibly wanted to go download it >> DEVON.]


i am eating doritos and lounging around naked at well, almost midnight.
It's a pretty cool thing.

I'm so super stressed right now, like, school and the fucking play and just, life problems keep adding up.
I want someone to love.
I've been too lonely lately.
And the week when holden was gone i was gettig high nonstop which is really unlike me.
And I tried drinking but, it just brought all my problems down harder.

so im eating too much food and trying not to gain weight.
Which is a weird combination.
Eating has given me a starving child tummy.
the little bump. :]
I could be pregnant lolololoooololol.
If it was possible?
Anddd I had had sex with well, anyone recently.


FUCK I NEED TO GET LAID.
Touching myself every fuckign night is not enough anymore.
i want a random meaningless hookup.
But I fall in love too easy and well, i'm not at an emotional state where that would do me any good. xD

Soo i need sleep.
I can't wait.
SLEEP IS ALL IVE WANTED ALL DAY
sleep and to give someone a blow job?
I don't know whats wrong with me.
My libido is actin up.
Niiight night worllld.

[devoooon. good music for you to downloaddd up in my location and music section]

I should be getting ready for school.
xD
But I'm staring at myselnaked in a mirror and marking the places I want to gain weight.

"Ohhhh! Gonna be a rite of passage, so boy you better spreadd"
Run run run fast as you cant, but you can't, I bet you can't.




jhdfkjshdfkj Fucking Patrick wolf makes me tingle all over.
He makes me wish I was a techno gyspy.




NEWSFLASH: My glasses are fucking hot.
YEAH THATS RIGHT IM A FOUR EYES.
and they're hot so stfu D:
D&G babyyy.
Andy is a sugar daddy  xD

SPEAKING OF WHICHH, izzie is adorable and I'm moving to my new place, uhm, tomorrow!
Yayyyy.
I need to get laid xD

GOD MY MIND IS JUMPY.
And my email doesn't work, wtf is up with that?
I WANT MY SUNSHINE YELLOW DELL.
SUNSHINE YELLLOW.

i'm so pale from the flu, and freezing.
BUT I MUST BE OFF TO SCHOOL.

xoxo GOSSIPGIRL





lololololololololololololol.
I watch too much tv, obviously.
x3
GREYS ANATOMY FTW.

I wish you knew how much I missed you so late at night.
I wish I had closure.
I wish you didn't leave my heart wide open.
I wish that I didn't love you at all.
But you always said you weren't too attatched to me, now didn't you?
Made things easier.
If you still read this, I wish you had the balls to just break up with me.
I've gone through all the pages of google looking for you, isn't that stupid?
Considering I know you're a fucking fake and the guy who's pictures you took is a gaybashing asshole.
I doubt your name is even chris.
I doubt you ever loved me, in fact.
but I get attatched, and I don't want this.
I want to be happy. Why couldn't you just give that to me?
Why couldnt you just let me break up with you
without making us get together before you left again.
This time it was for good wasnt it?
now i see why you never gave me your email address.
wonderful way to get rid of me

God fucking damnit, I've never had anyone treat me worse than you have.
Can you at least fucking apologize.



I doubt you'll ever read this.
But I want to be able to give devon my ENTIRE heart.
and that includes the little peice you stole
so give me closure and give it the fuck back.
it shouldn't belong to you

:]



I'm in a tired mood.

I am wary, I am cautious, I  watch for mistakes.
I'm afraid of losing what I've only just gained.
I shake when I think of you:
It's pleasurable and painful,
It's cold and hot,
frigid and warm.
I need something that I'm reachign for-
I can't grab it.
My fingers brush and I spin out of control.
And I'm falling, falling,
fadign faster and faster.
I'm fading and by now I'm invisible
Do your eyes see me?
I've loved so much that by now I must be lost.
Do your fingertips feel me?
I've needed you so badly that I cannot breathe.
I find out that you're the illusion my finger's slide through
and imagine my suprize when you take my hand and pull me up,
palm pressed to mine like some sort of game.
Push one way
I'll push back.
If love is abut giving and taking,
I need to learn to give.
If love is about happiness,
I need to learn to be sad.
I'm so tired of the rain,
let me learn to be the sun.



Unfinished...

forget everything i ever said.




I am not changing for anyone.

I have a very morbid intrest in death.
It fascinates me.
And usually i just like to read about serial killers that are caught because otherwise I get scared, but I was reading about the capitol hill massacre, as it's been a year.
And looking at the pictures of the kids who died.
Fuck, they all looked so happy.

But I happened upon www.mydeathspace.com
and I click on this boys profile and it took me to hismyspace.
He'd died of an overdose, on accident,which cause him to run into a tree.
God, he was beautiful.
He wasn't attractive, he wasn't hot, but he was beautiful.
His profile made me laugh, his pictures weren't the best, but he had this smile that I know could light up a room.
And I just start bawling.
I'm sitting hree crying like a baby because I wan't to be that boy.
I want to be dead, sometimes, so people might realize how much i mean to them, that they could have and should have told em that more often because sometimes I feel invisible.
And I try to tell everyone I love them, and lately i've been sayigng goodbye.
Because I'm so afraid of dying in my sleep.
I'm in so much pain, and i'm so terribly afraid.
But don't give up one me, just dont.
Please.

Okay ,so this class is hella long today and like, all we have to do is sit here and type our essays.
I don't feel like it so I'm doing this.

This week has been weird and I swear Chris?
WHAT THE FUCK YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE.
Devon- You're a good friend, and I should be a better one.
Alex- Where the heck?
Bailey, if you still read this, happy late late birthday. I miss you.





JAYYYSENNNNN.
You must never ever die in a tornado because you are the nice guy who I talk to every every day and I don't want that to change and HOLY SHOOT OLIVIA I LOVE YOU BECAUUSE YOU ARE AMAZING AND ALL THAT STUFF I TOLD YOU.








I WONDER WHY IM TYPING IN CAPS AND HOW FAST MY MPH IS WHEN IT COMES TO TYPING.
OKAY OKAY OKAY
IM DONE

That empty feeling.